Since then, things have been great. I have learned a lot about teamwork. The good thing is that Jordan and I have very similar visions and they almost play off each other. I told Jordan that I wanted to create a vampire show but still needed a little fire under my ass to get things going.

S

An unknown Indian Legend says, that at one time, Mother Earth became angry at all the violence upon the earth. During her rage, the Red Wolf Clan accidentally walked into the realm of death and became trapped.

Mother Earth tried to restore them, but it was too late and the Red Wolf Clan had mysteriously came alive in death.

The Maliceet people were the first clan to witness the terror caused by these new creatures and they had called them Apotamkin.

When Mother Earth discovered that the Red Wolf Clan had a thirst for death and blood, she gave special powers to select Medicine Men to control and watch over them.

The last Medicine man who carried the old Indian ways, just died, and the Red Wolf clan is now free to multiply and feed

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I am well aware that the internal workings cannot grow, change or improve unless one takes time to feed it and cause it to change. So how is change possible? What causes change? Is it a matter of just getting up and doing it? And what do you do? I am aware that meditation plays an important role in personal development. I am referring to grabbing a concept and then allowing that concept to grab you. It has to grab you in such away that it clicks and your impacted by it. But doing this without action is useless. I have discovered that when I am impacted by an idea, I need to bring this idea to my mind, perhaps several times throughout the day and week, untill it becomes a part of me. All this requires steady and consistant work. It requires that you set several moments throughout the day to work on yourself. I guess the more challenged you are or the more problems you have, the more input you will have to do. For people like me and for others who are busy, this may not be possible. So one has to give up certain things in order to achieve this.

Anyhow, just some thoughts. I want to report that my day is improving and I am growing. I am glad to have this change of improving and reaching new heights of self-development. For this I am glad.

Until next time — peace out dude!

I sit here overlooking this blog and really have been rambling on and on about stuff. Hidden within these words are truths and gems that can be cultivated and harvested. I guess this is the way I think and it seems that writing has an greater impact that what I have inmagined. My tone at the beginning of this writing was dipped in negativeness and now it is turning into something delightful.

I just want to write and I just want to express myself. Right now I don’t even own a computer, I owe certain people money, my school is all fucked up and I could be on the street in 2 weeks, begging for a new life. I am pressured to do something, like survive but I don’t have the survival drive due to sour experiences and fucked up history of failures. However, I do have a strong, almost never dieing urge to demonstrate to the world, myself and even my community, that I too have something to offer this world.

When I think about all the people I know who are active in creating stuff such as videos, songs, media content and how all of them want to be heard and need to be lifted up; I say, why should I do the same. It is like I am stuck in that part of our human nature that wants attention or needs to be heard when this part needs to mature. Hard to express here at whim — but really, for me, I want to express myself and develop this skill to the point where I become effective and capable. I have a deep need to do this. I have always been creative and lived to express myself. This is who I am right now.

So in conclusion: I really don’t like the videos I made called “rezModelz”. Well I like it but don’t like some of the content I spoke about. It was during a time when I was really down in life and needed to vent; that is what I came up with.

Anyhow….peace

I need a pat on my back once in a while. Perhaps because I didn’t get it from my alcoholic street mother or my unpleasant-adopted mother, I look for acceptance from others. One place I thought I could turn to is the community of people I come from. In this community I came in blasting with my ideas and creative projects; but then I quickly faded away. My recent projects have been considered insulting and dark. It wasn’t my intention for it to be this way. I created or emptied that which was in me. This was all that I could come up with at the time. When have not a computer or a collection of people to work with. This is it.

Years ago before I broke into media. I wanted to be a philosopher. I had no desire to do media projects. No desire to seek out a place on the internet. All I did was study thoughts and develop thoughts. I strived to know the mind, to challenge it and out think it.

This world I lived in offered me nothing and slowly I found out that there is no place for me in this world. They seemed not to accept me or I didn’t know how to fit into it. So it was this growth or stripping away of self that caused me to revisit the artistic world I once embraced and so the media projects started to come out.

For many years I have always created characters and little skits, why not create them for film? This would be a fun thing to do. So I did it.

So now what do I do. I have no computer and nothing really. I am now suffering from depression and growing addictions. I am uncertain as where I am going. No girlfriend and no desire to have one. It’s been almost 2 years since I have had a job and I am just floating around doing nothing.

Ideally I would like to pull myself together. Visit people in thunder Bay. Make new friends and start to rebuild myself spiritually. I would also like to build up my thought process, perhaps add some new phrases and words to my thinking – and go get some exercise…yea baby!

There used to be a time when I thought there was this universal authority that has set things into motion. That is destiny would pull 2 people together, like 2 peas in a pod. 2 people that are meant for each other and that together, they would create a new world through their unification of the thoughts and chemistry.
I am angry right now, because even right now I can feel the shadowy voices that want to reject what I have to say right now. I can feel those ghost like voices in my mind trying to guide me into what I should write. I stand against them! I am free from their influences. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the thoughts, ideas and words that others dump or inject into my mind through idle conversation or social moments during a cup of coffee. There was a time I used to listen to them all and allow them to run my life. Simple words shaped my life and I had no control over that. Today I have broken away from those soul-piercing words of my father, my preacher, my counselor, my doctor and my friends. I value their input, but they don’t get the final say over me.

So getting back to where I was starting off. I used to have this vision of purpose and life. After I ran into what I thought was a soul mate. And after finding out I was what she wanted in life. My entire structure that was rooted in faith, destiny, hope and purpose began to fade. Years later it faded to the point where I no longer had love rising within me or I had no hope that loves is out there. Finally, years later, my entire foundation of beliefs dissolved into nothing. This isn’t great because it means I need to rebuild and find something to retake me or at least define myself and shape myself into whatever I am supposed to be or want to be.

The most haunting part of this is that I don’t want to put the work into this or I don’t have the urges within that give me a boost to give my mind daily injections of purpose filled thoughts and to spiritually charge my spirit because of I put the effort into it.
I am hollow right now, empty from self. However, during this period, I find myself exploring an artistic point of view. I have been freer to express myself and wonder where this will end up.

So here I am in that Whatever state. It is so raw and empty, this whatever. Whatever comes and whatever goes. But the very breathe within me wants to stand on something. What that will be is uncertain.

Lisa Charleyboy